dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
foreskin is a definite game changer
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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