Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
