Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
