I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
