Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
