while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
