So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
