he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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