Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
His nipple licking is glorious
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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