I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
