Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
