Your mouth is God's brothel.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
