i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
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the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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