Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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