we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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