Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
