11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
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A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
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WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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