conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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