Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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