seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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