Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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