I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone