What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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