There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
