we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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