Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
