i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
