Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
