Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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