It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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