I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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