I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm both gender and math confused
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
