If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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