I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
