The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
