apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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