your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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