Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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