Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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