woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
