you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
