How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
