I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
