SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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