He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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