I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
