Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
