I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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