We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
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