Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
