I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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