Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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