I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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