But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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