His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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