I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
