She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
