Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
