im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
