haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
