We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
