New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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