Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
