MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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