It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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