I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
