Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Hello my rib-scented angel!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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