After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Randomize
